Choosing a life partner is one of the most important decisions you'll ever make. Whether you're 21 or 60-plus, finding a man who will be a good partner, a loyal friend AND your true love takes not only your heart, but your brain as well.
As someone who chose a good man and married at 22, was heartbroken to lose him when he died 26 years later, and then had the great good fortune to find love again, I'd like to share what I've learned.
Step 1
Please note that this article is intended both for those who are in a relationship with a man and are trying to determine if they want to marry or live with him (in other words, "is he a keeper?") and those who want to find the right man to love.
For those who are in a relationship and aren't sure if "he's the one," this exercise requires that you be very honest with yourself. So many times, we want a man to be "the one", and try to ignore his serious flaws or the ways in which he's just not right for us.
For those who are still looking - lucky you! This is a great time to take stock of what you want for your life, and what kind of man you want to have beside you.
Step 2
Make a list. That's right. List everything you want in a man. Right now, it's okay to list both what you REQUIRE (let's say, honesty, or perhaps a sense of humor) and what you would also LIKE but can live without (muscular, or loves to travel, for example). See if you can come up with 10-20 items.
Step 3
Looking at your list, highlight the few items you MUST have. When I began dating again in my late 40s, I thought about what I needed in a man and came to understand that I must have honesty, intelligence, a sense of humor, and an ability to love and commit.
Step 4
With your list still in hand, recognize what is really important to get you through a lifetime. A man can be as handsome as a Greek god, but if he's shifty or has a bad temper, you are going to be unhappy. Similarly, if you get to know a man and he's unwilling to commit, keeps breaking it off, or doesn't spend the time with you that you'd like, what makes you think he'll be a better husband than he is a boyfriend?
Many of our mothers told us - and it's true - you can't change him. If a man has flaws that, deep down, bother you, don't anticipate that these flaws will go away. It's been known to happen, but I wouldn't bet MY life happiness on it.
Step 5
Think ahead! A passionate, lots-of-excitement-lots-of-fighting relationship may seem stimulating now, but often, the fighting lasts a lot longer than the passion. What kind of life do you want? (Okay, I hear some of you saying, "I don't want a boring man.") A good man can be exciting. But he doesn't have to be moody, drunk, temperamental, or selfish. Those qualities are really tough to live with and lead to difficult marriages and, often, divorce.
Step 6
Appraise the relationship you're in (now or when you get to know someone new). Do you like him AND love him? The two are not always the same; you can love someone you don't really like. You should feel both.
How do you feel about the way he acts in public? Do you trust his decision-making, or does he often make you feel uncomfortable, or as if you need to make excuses for him (as in, "But Mom, he's usually so nice!")
Is he a good person and does he make you happy? If yes, go to the next step. If not - he's not the man for you.
Step 7
About attraction... yes, you need it. He can pass many of the tests above, and be a good person and yet you don't feel drawn to him physically. If you don't feel the spark, and you've given the possibility some time - he's probably a friend, not a life partner.
Unfortunately, it's hard to build a life with a man when you don't feel a physical attraction to him. It's been done, but it's tough.
Step 8
Let's say you are getting close to deciding you are indeed with the right man.
Using both your mind and your heart, what do you feel? Aside from the very normal need to stop and double-check yourself, are you confident that you are making the right choice?
He's not perfect, okay. Who is? But will he be good to you? Will you be good to him? Will you be partners, with each of you in love, each of you committed? Will he work with you to get through difficult times (there WILL be difficult times)?
In short, after going through this process, does the relationship feel right to you? If so, best wishes for a long and happy life together. You're on your way!
As someone who chose a good man and married at 22, was heartbroken to lose him when he died 26 years later, and then had the great good fortune to find love again, I'd like to share what I've learned.
Step 1
Please note that this article is intended both for those who are in a relationship with a man and are trying to determine if they want to marry or live with him (in other words, "is he a keeper?") and those who want to find the right man to love.
For those who are in a relationship and aren't sure if "he's the one," this exercise requires that you be very honest with yourself. So many times, we want a man to be "the one", and try to ignore his serious flaws or the ways in which he's just not right for us.
For those who are still looking - lucky you! This is a great time to take stock of what you want for your life, and what kind of man you want to have beside you.
Step 2
Make a list. That's right. List everything you want in a man. Right now, it's okay to list both what you REQUIRE (let's say, honesty, or perhaps a sense of humor) and what you would also LIKE but can live without (muscular, or loves to travel, for example). See if you can come up with 10-20 items.
Step 3
Looking at your list, highlight the few items you MUST have. When I began dating again in my late 40s, I thought about what I needed in a man and came to understand that I must have honesty, intelligence, a sense of humor, and an ability to love and commit.
Step 4
With your list still in hand, recognize what is really important to get you through a lifetime. A man can be as handsome as a Greek god, but if he's shifty or has a bad temper, you are going to be unhappy. Similarly, if you get to know a man and he's unwilling to commit, keeps breaking it off, or doesn't spend the time with you that you'd like, what makes you think he'll be a better husband than he is a boyfriend?
Many of our mothers told us - and it's true - you can't change him. If a man has flaws that, deep down, bother you, don't anticipate that these flaws will go away. It's been known to happen, but I wouldn't bet MY life happiness on it.
Step 5
Think ahead! A passionate, lots-of-excitement-lots-of-fighting relationship may seem stimulating now, but often, the fighting lasts a lot longer than the passion. What kind of life do you want? (Okay, I hear some of you saying, "I don't want a boring man.") A good man can be exciting. But he doesn't have to be moody, drunk, temperamental, or selfish. Those qualities are really tough to live with and lead to difficult marriages and, often, divorce.
Step 6
Appraise the relationship you're in (now or when you get to know someone new). Do you like him AND love him? The two are not always the same; you can love someone you don't really like. You should feel both.
How do you feel about the way he acts in public? Do you trust his decision-making, or does he often make you feel uncomfortable, or as if you need to make excuses for him (as in, "But Mom, he's usually so nice!")
Is he a good person and does he make you happy? If yes, go to the next step. If not - he's not the man for you.
Step 7
About attraction... yes, you need it. He can pass many of the tests above, and be a good person and yet you don't feel drawn to him physically. If you don't feel the spark, and you've given the possibility some time - he's probably a friend, not a life partner.
Unfortunately, it's hard to build a life with a man when you don't feel a physical attraction to him. It's been done, but it's tough.
Step 8
Let's say you are getting close to deciding you are indeed with the right man.
Using both your mind and your heart, what do you feel? Aside from the very normal need to stop and double-check yourself, are you confident that you are making the right choice?
He's not perfect, okay. Who is? But will he be good to you? Will you be good to him? Will you be partners, with each of you in love, each of you committed? Will he work with you to get through difficult times (there WILL be difficult times)?
In short, after going through this process, does the relationship feel right to you? If so, best wishes for a long and happy life together. You're on your way!
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